Make This Small Change to Improve the Quality of your Relationship

When humans think about change, we tend to think about BIG change. We tell ourselves we want to lose 15 pounds, learn a language, or get promoted at work. When we think about creating a better romantic relationship, we often take the same approach by envisioning grand gestures as a way to reach this goal.

While these grand gestures can be thoughtful and romantic, research shows that a far simpler, everyday solution has a greater impact on fostering a loving and attuned relationship.

John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert in the field of couples therapy, discovered that responding to your partner’s bids for attention is a critical part of healthy relationships.

So what is a bid, exactly?

A bid is a signal or cue that we would like our partner’s attention. Let’s go over some examples:

• Kailey remarks that it has started to snow outside.

• Mark laughs while looking at his phone, and looks up towards his partner.

• Jeff sits next to his partner on the couch, and puts his hand on her thigh.

The truth is that we all want to feel seen, heard, and understood in our relationship. When that happens, we build trust in our partners and get the sense that we are important to them. They notice us. We matter to them.

So what do we do with a bid? They key here is that we respond. Sounds simple, right? The good news is that it is! We don’t have to say or do the exact right thing - we aren’t mind readers - but if we respond in some form, it lets our partners know we’re paying attention to them.

Let’s come back to our previous examples. How could their partners respond?

• Kailey’s partner looks out the window and chimes in, “Mm, looks pretty out.”

• Mark’s partner smiles back and asks what’s making him laugh.

• Jeff’s partner leans over and gives him a peck on the cheek.

What if we don’t respond to our partner’s bids? It happens. We might be cooking or texting a friend and don’t recognize that our partner has made this bid. Some are going to be missed, and that’s okay. But if we neglect to respond to many bids, our partners may feel ignored or resentful.

So it is a very small thing that we can do. It is also so important for keeping our relationships healthy. Making an extra effort to notice and respond to these cues is one small step to feeling more connected and secure in your relationship. And while it might seem insignificant, it is one of the most valuable ways to improve your relationship - today!