Golden Rules for Fighting Fair

Most of us know that conflict in relationships is normal and to be expected. We’ve all had different struggles in life, and it’s natural that we will not always see things eye-to-eye. On its own, this isn’t something to be concerned about. However, our experience of having conflict conversations can vary wildly. There are certain arguments that can bring you closer to your partner, and others that push you further apart.

So what happens if we get stuck in fights that make us feel like enemies? How do we move from hurt and harsh words to connection and understanding?

Luckily, these practices can help.

#1 - Bring up concerns gently

Research shows that the first few minutes of a conflict conversation have a strong impact on the outcome. This is the time to address issues by focusing on your emotions.

You may've learned already that there is no quicker way to derail a discussion than to blame your partner by wrongfully quoting their words or making negative assumptions. Comments like,“I can't believe you said that you’d rather go golfing this weekend, I’m so sick of you prioritizing everything but our family!” almost always lead to the other person responding with “No, I said…” And the two of you are off in a battle of who remembers what.

Instead, you could say: “I felt disappointed when I heard you say you weren’t able to go for a hike this Saturday. I was hoping we could spend some quality time as a family.” This is easier for the other person to hear, and it allows you both to keep talking about what matters.

#2 - Make effort to understand your partner’s experience

It's all too easy to presume you know what the other person is thinking. These conversations can be hard, but think of them as an opportunity to get to know your partner better. There may be reasons why this situation feels important to them or it may be related to a past experience or concern.

Using the following steps also have the benefit of slowing the conversation down.

Ask questions. (e.g. "Why is this important to you?")

Paraphrase back what you heard. (e.g. "So you've been feeling disconnected from friends, and worried they may stop inviting you to get togethers? Have I got it right?")

Empathize (e.g. - “That must have been hurtful for you.”)

#3 - Take breaks as needed

Get in tune with your body, and learn to listen to it. Do you clench your fists and see red before you say something you will regret later? Do you get restless and full of energy before you stop being able to consider your partner's perspective? Notice what signs there are that you might need to step out of the room, or when you might just need to pause before speaking. Sometimes even taking a few deep breaths can calm things down.

#4 - Take accountability

Whether this happens during the conflict or afterwards, make it a standard practice to own up to your part in the argument. Whether you raised your voice, said something that was unkind, or acted cold towards your partner, one of the most important things you can do is acknowledge your part in the hurt and offer a genuine apology. It lets your partner know that you care about them and that their feelings matter.

It can be hard to break negative patterns, but with patience and practice these guidelines can help to change the tune of conflict conversations. If you’re still feeling stuck, (which is normal to occur at some point in your relationship) reach out to a couples therapist. We can all use extra support from time to time.